I was at a conference this weekend selling my Cassie Leigh books as well as a number of other books and I ended up having a series of conversations with men who I’d say were a little lost about how to find a new love.
We didn’t get into specifics for the most part but I think most of the guys I talked to this weekend were either recently divorced or widowed, no longer in their 20’s or even their 30’s, and just trying to figure out what to do now.
Now, anyone who has read Don’t Be A Douchebag knows I can be pretty harsh for the guys who are like a bull in a china closet when it comes to online dating. It’s not fun as a woman to get weird or disgusting emails and every man who sends those types of things deserves the verbal beating I give in that book.
But most guys who venture into the online dating world aren’t those guys. They’re genuinely nice guys who are completely baffled about how to navigate this new bizarre world. (As are most women, quite frankly.)
So, this post is for those guys. The nice, well-meaning guys who don’t even know how to get started with dating.
(I’m probably going to write a short book about this pretty soon, but in the meantime I wanted this here in case any of them find their way to this blog).
So here goes:
I know it seems scary or daunting or completely impossible to find a new love. But as long as you’re willing to keep trying, you will find someone.
Most of us don’t find someone because the journey to that happy relationship is rough. VERY rough. And so we quit before we get there.
There are genuinely horrible or scary people out there, but mostly it’s just too many awkward and unpleasant dates where you wonder what’s wrong with you or with the rest of the world. It’s like you’re trying to put together a puzzle and none of the pieces fit.
All I can say is that the people who push through that and keep trying do eventually find the right person for them. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Some luck out right away and for some it takes a decade or more. But keep trying and it will happen.
It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, what you look like, how healthy you are, how intelligent you are, or funny you are (or aren’t). There is someone out there for you. And if you keep trying and stay open to meeting that person, you will find them.
Now, you may be wondering, how the hell do I get out there in the first place?
My advice? Do the things you love and try to find ways to make them social. If you like to cook, take cooking classes. If you like to read, join a book group. If you like to hike, join a group that meets up for hikes.
By doing so you are creating opportunities for that person to come into your life.
And if you can find someone who shares your interests and passions, life will be that much easier.
Plus, and this is a big one, meeting someone through a shared passion is far less intimidating and potentially disappointing than going on a date with a stranger. You already have a shared interest, you already have an activity to do, and you can let a relationship develop naturally.
Also, let your friends and family know you’re looking. Let them set you up. You never know whose co-worker or third cousin might be perfect for you.
If all of that fails, sure, try online dating. And don’t let it get you down when it doesn’t seem to be going well. Expect failure, but hope for success.
I have a friend who is a good guy, a great catch. Last time he tried online dating he just wasn’t getting responses. He kept going, though, and finally met a woman he’s been happily dating for almost a year now. Because he didn’t give up. When things weren’t working, he looked at what he was doing, changed it up, and tried again.
You have to push through the disappointments and keep trying.
And, yes, there will be women who ignore you. Or say you’re not their type.
That’s okay. It happens. Move on and keep trying.
(And, honestly, I do think meeting people socially is the best approach for many, many people. So don’t get stuck behind a computer sending messages into nowhere. Not if it’s not working for you.)
And, please, if you do try online dating, don’t let some woman convince you to send her money. For any reason. Don’t do it. If you want to be scammed by someone, at least make them do it in person…
I can honestly say for each of the gentlemen I talked to this weekend, there is someone out there for you. I know it’s hard and confusing and crazy. But I also know you can do it. You’ll make mistakes, but that’s okay.
Just keep going…