I’ve been thinking about this a bit lately.
I spent Friday night hanging out with a guy I’ve known for over a decade who happens to be recently single.
Nothing happened. There were no awkward moments where he tried something and I turned away.
(Which is a good thing.)
Perhaps he has no interest.
But, as a woman with lots of guy friends, I always reserve a little spot in the back of my mind to watch for any signs that a guy friend is about to try something.
(It’s so much easier to defuse the moment than have to deliver a body block.)
Now, the question is, why would I want to defuse the moment?
He’s a decent looking guy. Good job. Values his family. He’s put up with me for over a decade.
Seems like a good catch, right?
I think the issue is that I can’t think of him romantically.
He’s my friend and I don’t know how to shift my mind to view him differently.
So, even though he seems like a good catch on paper, my mind just refuses to go there.
On the flip side, I have another guy friend who I have lusted after since the day we met about four years ago.
A man I will never be able to date.
I know this. I know there’s no point in being attracted to him like that.
And I value his friendship a tremendous amount and would hate to lose it.
But I can’t shift my thoughts about him from sexual attraction to just friends.
And it’s a bit of a problem.
It seems that when I first meet a guy, I assign him to either friend or potential romantic partner, and then my mind gets stuck there and I can’t shift him over to the other side.
Which has meant walking away from some good friendships. Either because I was attracted to a guy who was not attracted to me (or not free to be attracted to me) or because a guy was attracted to me and I knew I could never reciprocate that feeling.
I never did so lightly. But I’ve done it when it became clear to me that the imbalance was creating difficulties in our friendship.
So, my advice to someone dealing with this?
Find a way to reset the relationship. Get some space or distance. Go away and come back new.
Be out of the person’s life long enough so they’re forced to reassess you. And maybe the second time around they’ll put you in the “right” category.