Dating: Sometimes It Has Nothing To Do With You

I think most of us when we approach someone we like and get turned down assume that there must be something wrong with us.  Maybe we shouldn’t have made that joke.  Or maybe our profile photo is awful.  Or they noticed our [insert physical insecurity here].

But often that’s not the case.

I closed down a match today because the guy said he can’t live without his cat.  That’s admirable.  He has another living being in his life that he cares a great deal for.  But, since I (a) am allergic to cats and (b) can’t really stand them at all, he wasn’t the guy for me.  It was nothing personal.

Unfortunately, you can’t say that on most dating sites.  You just ignore the communication or shut down the match without providing any feedback.  So, this guy is probably thinking it had to do with his age or his hairline or his taste in movies.  It didn’t.  He just wasn’t the right fit for me.

For anyone out there dating, I think it’s important to keep that in mind and not take it personal.

I had a friend just break up with a guy she’d been dating for a few months because their ideas of the appropriate amount of time to spend together were just too far apart to work.  She wanted one weekend day to herself, he thought showing up after work on Friday and not leaving until Monday morning was the way to go.  He’ll make a great husband for someone, just not my friend.

I almost shut down another match because he looks very much like someone I went to high school with.  I’m hoping he isn’t, but it was a real enough possibility that I wondered for a minute whether to keep that one going.  That had nothing to do with the guy (assuming he isn’t the guy I went to high school with).  He could’ve been perfect and if I’d decided he was who I thought he might be, I would’ve shut it down anyway.

All you need to know when someone stops communicating or doesn’t call back for that next date or otherwise doesn’t return your interest is that they weren’t the one for you.  Move on to the next person.  Because somewhere out there is the one for you.  You just have to keep going until you find them and you can’t let yourself get discouraged just because you found the wrong matches first.

(And, no, I would not recommend changing things about yourself to try to find someone.  If you want to change, fine.  If you do it out of insecurity about how others perceive you, that is not a good thing.  It will bite you in the ass someday.)

(Having said that, if you’re getting lots of rejection do have someone take a look at your profile photos.  It may just be an issue of how you’re presenting yourself.  Try to put your best foot forward.)

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