You Have A Date, Don’t F It Up

Just in time for the long weekend, You Have a Date, Don’t F It Up is available in audio.

It’s for those men who do alright getting a woman to say she’ll go out with them and then fail somewhere between that initial “sure, okay” and the second date or so.  As always, I’m probably more harsh than 90% of the women out there, but if you can pass my critique you’ll be golden with most other women.

(Keeping in mind, of course, that some women just aren’t going to like you no matter what you do and you’re better of not wasting time on them, no matter how attractive they are or how perfect you think they are for you…)

So enjoy!

A New Book!

Otherwise known as what happens when I get bored.

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I’ve been meaning to write this one for a long time now.  It’s a follow-up to Don’t Be a Douchebag.  That one was to basically help men navigate the whole online dating world so they were actually gettting dates instead of getting shut down because they were coming off as douchbags.

This one is how to make it from a woman saying she’ll go out with you to actually getting to a second or even third date.

There’s a section in there I was feeling a little bad about.  (Maybe a few.  It’s sort of a take-no-prisoners approach to dating advice.)  But then I was on Twitter today and saw a woman describing an encounter she had on the subway with a guy who hit on her and when she moved away started calling her a bunch of names, followed her off the train, and threatened her.

That sort of thing happening is sadly common.  And it shouldn’t be.  A woman saying she’s not interested shouldn’t immediately lead to some guy calling her a bitch or ugly or threatening her with violence.  And yet…It happens.

And for every guy out there legitimately looking to meet a woman, he needs to understand that that kind of shit is what he’s up against.  Which is why certain things are not acceptable.  (Like showing up at a woman’s work to plead your case when she turns you down. NO! DO NOT DO THAT. EVER.)

So, anyway.  New book. If you’re struggling with getting through that first few dates, it might help.

Audio will be coming at some point but my narrator just had a kid so we’re working around that, because priorities.

Online Dating Basics Sale

In honor of the new year I’ve put Online Dating for Men: The Basics and Online Dating for Women: The Basics on sale for just 99 cents.  (Normally they’re $4.99)  So if you’re new to the world of online dating and looking for some direction, you might want to check them out.

(They’re also available in audio and paperback if that’s how you roll.  I almost never read ebooks myself because I forget they’re there to be read or I forget to charge my ereader and when I go to read it I can’t because it’s dead.)

I honestly think this’ll be a good year for dating.  I expect a lot of people are feeling exposed and vulnerable with everything that’s happening in the world these days and longing for a real connection. It’ll make people more open to going through the slog of dating to find someone.

That’s a good thing.  For you and the world.

Just make sure you’re finding someone who’s good for you.  Someone who likes you for who you are and supports you in what you want to do and who you want to be.  Life is way too short to be in a relationship with someone who drags you down or who makes you feel like you aren’t good enough.  You want someone who lifts you up and makes all those bad moments disappear.  And never ever settle for being with someone who is abusive towards you.  Verbally or physically.  There are better people out there. So find one of them.  Okay?

Wishing you much happiness and success in the new year.

(BTW, those links are for Amazon, but all the vendor site links are on the books page if you prefer to shop somewhere else like Kobo or iTunes or B&N.)

Write What You Know

Well, they say write what you know.  Which for me seems to be online dating, parenting a puppy, and, now, cooking for one.

It’s a sad, pathetic life (not really, it’s quite peaceful and drama free), but someone has to write about it right?

So, the latest and greatest from yours truly is now out just in time for the holidays:

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This is not Master Chef cooking.  It’s your basic guide to feeding yourself without burning the kitchen down and for the absolute cooking newbie the first few recipes pretty much only require a spoon.  So if you’ve been thinking you should cook for yourself but haven’t known where to start and are intimidated by books that assume you know what you’re doing, this is the book for you.

It’s exclusive to Amazon at the moment and you can get it here.  That also means you can borrow it for “free” through Kindle Unlimited.

And, if you hadn’t noticed, because why would you, all the dating advice books are now available in audio and the puppy parenting books should all be available within the next couple weeks.  Puppy Parenting in an Apartment already is.  Check ’em out.  Links to Amazon, Audible, and iTunes U.S. stores are on the My Books tab.

Can You Get Out of the Friend Zone?

This came up this weekend.  I was talking to a guy friend of mine who recently started dating a woman he’d been interested in who hadn’t been ready to date him when they first met and so he said that he believes that a guy can work his way out of the friend zone over time and that this notion that you can get stuck in that role isn’t really true.

I tend to disagree.

I think if two people who are both single meet that they will soon end up dating or probably never end up dating.

Generally when you hear of two people dating later on in their friendship it’s because something has changed.  Scenarios I can think of include:

  1. Throughout their friendship one or the other of them was not single.  So the attraction was there but couldn’t be acted upon at the time and when they both finally found themselves single and in the same location and with enough time and head space for dating, they did.
  2. There was some sort of misperception when they first met.  For example, the woman thought the guy was an ass, but somehow she came to see that he wasn’t.  Chances are these two were not willing friends.  Maybe they had mutual friends in common and kept getting thrown back together until she could see that the guy was actually nice.  Only then was a relationship going to be possible.  (Think Pride & Prejudice)
  3. There was a break in the friendship.  They met, were friends, likely one was attracted but the other wasn’t (because that often drives the formation of a friendship), they moved apart and lost touch, met again, and bam! attraction and dating.
  4. They were both single but one or the other wasn’t ready to date at the moment they met.  (What happened with my friend.)  For example, one had just ended a serious relationship or was planning on moving out of state or country.  (Although the moving thing doesn’t always prevent something from happening, it just makes it hard to keep going once started.)

Hate to say it, but this notion that if you hang around a girl long enough showing her what a nice, great guy you are or if you just buy her enough things she’ll finally see how wonderful you are and want to be with you is a fairy tale.

With the stories where you do hear of it happening, I’d bet almost every single time that if you dig deep enough you’ll find that the spark was there at the start even if it wasn’t acted upon.

Scenario 3 above is probably the only exception to that one.  And I would say it only works if the person changed in the interim.  Short guy from high school grows two feet after graduation and suddenly he’s a completely different person.  Or asshole from college loses his brother in a tragic accident and finally grows up and gains some emotional depth. (Although chances are the girl was always physically attracted to him even back then and just knew better than to go there).

So if you’re all hung up on someone and it just isn’t happening?  I’d say walk away.  Don’t try even harder to make them feel something that just isn’t there.

That will then free you up to find someone who can see what a great catch you are and wants you.

And if it’s really too hard to just walk away, then force the issue. Suck it up, tell them you like them, and see what they say.  Maybe yours is one of those very rare situations where  both people are attracted but neither one has the guts to start things and so you’re just circling around each other without ever realizing how close you are to dating.  (Keep in mind, this will likely fail, but at least you know and can move on with a clear conscience knowing you asked.)

Whatever you do though, don’t hang in there hoping for it to magically change.  If you get value out of the friendship, sure, stay friends.  But if you’re friends because you want more?  Nope.  Move on.  (Take it from someone who has been on both sides of that losing equation.  It’s a waste of your time and energy.)

Dating Advice You Don’t Even Have To Read

Haha.

So, I’ve been bored lately.  You’d think that would mean I’d finally get around to writing my book about what to actually do once you have a date with someone.  Or the one about how you really can find love and to hang in there.

But no.  (I’ve been writing some novels instead…Not under this name, though.  Someone else seems to be doing that…)

What I did do though is go out and hire an awesome audiobook narrator, Erin Fossa, and had her record Don’t Be A Douchebag and Online Dating for Men: The Basics.  So now, if you’re a man and you want to hear my wonderful online dating advice (or if you’re a woman and you want to hear exactly what I think of married men who approach me on those sites), you can.

Listen on the way to work.  Or at the gym.  Or while making dinner.  Or while you’re supposed to be working.

(And, hey.  If you don’t have an audible account, but open one and borrow one of my books first and send me proof to show you did it, I’ll send a few free download codes your way.  So basically you’ll get to listen to my book for free and get a couple others free, too.  Not a bad deal…)

 

Don’t Give Up Hope

I was at a conference this weekend selling my Cassie Leigh books as well as a number of other books and I ended up having a series of conversations with men who I’d say were a little lost about how to find a new love.

We didn’t get into specifics for the most part but I think most of the guys I talked to this weekend were either recently divorced or widowed, no longer in their 20’s or even their 30’s, and just trying to figure out what to do now.

Now, anyone who has read Don’t Be A Douchebag knows I can be pretty harsh for the guys who are like a bull in a china closet when it comes to online dating.  It’s not fun as a woman to get weird or disgusting emails and every man who sends those types of things deserves the verbal beating I give in that book.

But most guys who venture into the online dating world aren’t those guys.  They’re genuinely nice guys who are completely baffled about how to navigate this new bizarre world.  (As are most women, quite frankly.)

So, this post is for those guys.  The nice, well-meaning guys who don’t even know how to get started with dating.

(I’m probably going to write a short book about this pretty soon, but in the meantime I wanted this here in case any of them find their way to this blog).

So here goes:

I know it seems scary or daunting or completely impossible to find a new love.  But as long as you’re willing to keep trying, you will find someone.

Most of us don’t find someone because the journey to that happy relationship is rough.  VERY rough.  And so we quit before we get there.

There are genuinely horrible or scary people out there, but mostly it’s just too many awkward and unpleasant dates where you wonder what’s wrong with you or with the rest of the world.  It’s like you’re trying to put together a puzzle and none of the pieces fit.

All I can say is that the people who push through that and keep trying do eventually find the right person for them.  I’ve seen it happen over and over again.  Some luck out right away and for some it takes a decade or more.  But keep trying and it will happen.

It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, what you look like, how healthy you are, how intelligent you are, or funny you are (or aren’t).  There is someone out there for you.  And if you keep trying and stay open to meeting that person,  you will find them.

Now, you may be wondering, how the hell do I get out there in the first place?

My advice?  Do the things you love and try to find ways to make them social.  If you like to cook, take cooking classes.  If you like to read, join a book group.  If you like to hike, join a group that meets up for hikes.

By doing so you are creating opportunities for that person to come into your life.

And if you can find someone who shares your interests and passions, life will be that much easier.

Plus, and this is a big one, meeting someone through a shared passion is far less intimidating and potentially disappointing than going on a date with a stranger.  You already have a shared interest, you already have an activity to do, and you can let a relationship develop naturally.

Also, let your friends and family know you’re looking.  Let them set you up.  You never know whose co-worker or third cousin might be perfect for you.

If all of that fails, sure, try online dating.  And don’t let it get you down when it doesn’t seem to be going well.  Expect failure, but hope for success.

I have a friend who is a good guy, a great catch.  Last time he tried online dating he just wasn’t getting responses.  He kept going, though, and finally met a woman he’s been happily dating for almost a year now.  Because he didn’t give up.  When things weren’t working, he looked at what he was doing, changed it  up, and tried again.

You have to push through the disappointments and keep trying.

And, yes, there will be women who ignore you.  Or say you’re not their type.

That’s okay.  It happens.  Move on and keep trying.

(And, honestly, I do think meeting people socially is the best approach for many, many people.  So don’t get stuck behind a computer sending messages into nowhere.  Not if it’s  not working for you.)

And, please, if you do try online dating, don’t let some woman convince you to send her money.  For any reason.  Don’t do it.  If you want to be scammed by someone, at least make them do it in person…

I can honestly say for each of the gentlemen I talked to this weekend, there is someone out there for you.  I know it’s hard and confusing and crazy.  But I also know you can do it.  You’ll make mistakes, but that’s okay.

Just keep going…

A Tongue-In-Cheek Guide To Moving From Lonely Singledom to Happy Coupledom

I’ve noticed that many of my friends seem to follow a pretty standard and predictable path from lonely singledom to happy coupledom.  It’s gotten to the point that I read their latest Facebook post and think, “Yep, next step is…” or, “Oops, this one’s not gonna last.”

Now, granted, what I’m about to list out says A LOT about the type of people I know and am friends with.  I’m in my late 30’s at this point and went to some pretty good schools, so the people I know are doing well enough financially to take foreign trips and buy homes, for example.  I don’t expect this list applies to everyone.  But it certainly does seem to happen far too often for me to ignore at this point.

So, what are the steps that my friends seem to follow?

Pre-Relationship

  1. Get a pet.  Usually a cat.  Sometimes a dog.
  2. Post a lot of cute photos of said pet and dote on it a bit like you would a child.  FB posts about the pet should be at least 10% of all posts made, but probably closer to 50% or more.
  3. Go on a diet/get in shape.  (An optional step that doesn’t apply to those who are already in shape.)
  4. Buy a home/apartment.  (Also an optional step, but happens often enough to be noticeable.  For those who don’t buy a place, they do move into a home/apartment by themselves and spend some money/effort making it their space.

Relationship

  1. Meet someone.  Often not the someone you would expect them to meet.
  2. Engage in ten times more dinners and outings than before, many of which will be fancy or special in some way.  (Think lobster and steak at a nice restaurant instead of hamburgers at the local bar.)
  3. Take long distance trip together, preferably somewhere international or gorgeous like Hawaii.
  4. Post on social media about being lucky/happy/etc. or just post photos of being lucky/happy/etc.  Gush even though you’re not the gushing type.
  5. Take second long distance trip together, preferably somewhere romantic like Italy.  (Optional step here: Get engaged.)
  6. Settle into happy coupledom.  (Not necessarily marriage, but usually something long-term like buying a home together.)
  7. Dial back on the fancy dinners and outings and settle into “real” life together.  Occasionally gush about being lucky/happy/etc. but not near as much as before.

There you have it.  Get a pet, get fit, meet someone, go out with the person lots, travel once to test the relationship, travel a second time to cement things, and you’re on your way.  Easy peasy, right?  Haha…

50% Off on Kobo

So, turns out Kobo is running a HUGE promo right now on 1.3 million books.  They’re all 50% off for three days.  (Depending on where you are that either is already happening or will be happening soon.)  Might be worth checking it out.

Info is here.

I’m also pretty sure that somewhere in that list of 1.3 million books, you’ll find all of my books, just, you know, in case you are a kobo reader and have been hesitating to buy the books because of the cost…haha.

What books would those be?

Well, the classics Don’t Be A Douchebag and Online Dating Is Hell as well as the starter online dating guides for men and women.

And, because there’s only so much talking  about online dating you can do before jumping off a very high cliff starts to sound really, really fun, the puppy books are there, too: Puppy Parenting Primer, Puppy Parenting In An Apartment, and Dog Park Primer. (And I will note here that the covers of all of the puppy books feature my very own adorable, incorrigible pup, Miss Priss.  Why?  Because I could and she’s cute and if nothing else comes of writing those books, it made my mom happy to see her on the cover.)

(I will also note that I am NOT the person on the cover of Douchebag.  Just in case there was any possible question about that…)